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Saturday, June 30, 2007

GOGGLED AT GETTING GOOGLED!

I started this blog around end May. Now, a month or so later, I am amazed at being googled at a fairly high level.
I still have no idea of how bloggers do their SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) so that their blogs get into the higher levels of Google hits. I actually heard repeatedly that it takes several months for the search engines to recognise a blog. Now look at this:

And this (a search for Michael Moore and UTube got this blog as a number one hit):



Similarly, a Comcast search on 'Celine and FTV' brought out the article on Crezendo, the vibrating condom, at number six, on the first page.
I learnt all this, and continue to do so, using the Sitemeter stats. Big Brother G is really watching, huh?
I really don't know what to make of all this, as it could be the combination of the search words that does some funny trick, but...., this blog is alive. That, for me, is all that matters.

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Friday, June 29, 2007

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE: HIDDEN SKELETONS?

Disclaimer: Let's not even talk of the Indian health care scenario!



Here is a post from Cafe Hayek, a site for the relatively unconventional intellectual, about universal health care in France being cruel to patients. The example of the poor patient dying without any care whatsoever in a country that prides itself on a fine and free health care system raises doubts about the 'universality' of their health care.
Even in countries like Canada and UK, where the State is responsible for health care for all (barring tiny exceptions), the long waiting lists and prioritisation protocols leave a lot of patients with sustained suffering. A study that reveals how many people die in such socialised health care systems would be an eye opener. I am not clear about this. Sweden, for example, is another great model of advanced health care that is entirely state sponsored.
At least for some patients, the system short-changes them in favor of an ideal that is questionable in its premise.
Health is considered to be a fundamental human right. This assertion leaves unanswered the poser of who is going to pay for this 'right'.
Just like 'happiness', it is only the pursuit or endeavor which can be a right, not the entire mechanism of healthcare, which needs taxation. Is taxation a fundamental right of the bureaucrats?

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

THE I-PHONE LAUNCH

While the world waits endlessly for the iPhone launch, let us give some space to the nay-sayers. Here are 11 reasons not to buy an iPhone.
Ok, job over, fairness be damned, let us now drool over the phenomenal vibes coming off from experts on the gadget. David Pogue has answered some FAQs on the device.
You know how interested in the iPhone I am, as I have posted before.



Craze for the device is just as Apple must have planned it. People have been queueing outside Apple stores for four days now, and sleeping on the pavement, 'bathing' in the faucets in the Apple store bathrooms, and hoping for some food given by benevolent New Yorkers. I think those who manage to buy it today will be the ones who will flaunt it for some time, because stocks are going to run out.
As with all Apple products, I think a little wait will give buyers a better and trouble-free product, as the initial problems will have got sorted out by that time.
At least, as one resigned to waiting in India for an year at the least, this is what is consolation for the Apple-crazy fan.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

OBESE KIDS: WHAT HELPS AND WHAT DOES NOT?

The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has published an article that deals with weight management programmes for obese kids.
I read this article eagerly, hoping for some new wisdom on the vexing issue of childhood and adolescent obesity, about which I am interested. Eleven authors for one study: very impressive, or... a bit suspicious? Too many authors looks like a few are free-tripping on the basis of position or something. You know, a Head of Department is also listed as an author, even though he may have done nothing more than signing his name. Anyways, I digress, as usual.



What does the article say? It says simply that where the weight reduction program was followed intensively, really hands-on, the results were better than the typical programs used before. Now it is a known fact that 95% of diet-and-exercise regimes fail to provide sustained weight loss. So how does the JAMA article make a difference? Look for yourself:
"The success of the Bright Bodies program undoubtedly relates, in part, to the frequent contacts between families and the professional staff." Which means that the team sat on the heads of the parents and their fat kids. Obviously, they can't do this forever, so once their attention is withdrawn, things are liable to turn back all over again.
"While the program was very successful in treating overweight children, the expense incurred in operating such a program is substantial." Meaning to say, in other words:"Don't even think you can afford this kind of treatment. This is only because we got big funding to enable us to publish this expensive scientific paper".

"Future work for our group includes cost-benefit analyses, as this would be helpful for pediatric clinicians or health management organizations that are considering offering similar services to overweight children and adolescents." Meaning "We are going to ask for more funds so that we can then publish another paper in JAMA that what we are doing is too expensive to be practical, and the State (or somebody) should allocate money for this project, which we will be happy to spearhead."
Another article that proves that the world is round, as are our bellies!

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THE TEEN SURGEON: WHY THE FUSS?

We have all read of the Indian teen surgeon who did a Caesarian Section under the doting eyes of his parents, one a surgeon and the (m)other a gynecologist. The father thought he could post a claim for the 'youngest surgeon of the world' tag with a beer manufacturing company that recognises the oddballs in the world, and out of it! The only thing is he forgot his son had no degree, and that for the patient, it would be a medical third-degree.
Now, after putting the parents behind bars, the cops are out looking for the young boy.
I have some brilliant points lined up as commentary about this event. In case I forget these and end up with just a typically chaotic circum-Presidential mish-mash (a.k.a. 'beating about the bush'), blame it on the hot air. Global warming is finally here!



First, the act of experimenting on a patient is tough enough to defend. Next, the father has to defend doing that without taking due consent from the patient and her unborn child. Another problem: he has to explain away his enormous stupidity to his in-laws on one side of the prison bars! How could he, as a practising doctor, not know that he was publicising an act that would make him not only a criminal in law, but a criminal-in-law!?
To top it all, he didn't have the brains to marry a woman who would have the senses about her to tie him down to his chair and ask him to behave. What sort of woman allows her husband to make such a global ass of himself, unless he is the President of the United States? I mean, is her name Hillary or what?
Dr. Murugesan (let us all reverentially call him by that prefix before it gets struck off the rolls) was not much more than stupid and unlucky. He just had the typical Indian laissez faire (to give the term a bad name it doesn't deserve) chalta hai attitude that embellishes a blatant disrespect for the law, and a conviction that in this country, do what you can before you get caught, if at all, and then buy and beg your way out.
In much of the country, health care is about making a black buck and hunting a case like the animal of the same name.
So a surgeon trains his son to be an expert surgeon, a money making cottage industry, without remembering that civilised Third world countries also profess (practice is a different thing altogether) the need for certain recognisable standards like degrees (what degrees?), credentialling and privileges. Those are Western standards. Do they have any relevance in a country where quacks treat a majority of people, where politicians and actors sniff the pungent feet of inebriated sadhus and babas, where neurosurgeons cut hydroceles, and cardiac surgeons do hernia operations? Yes, I am not talking of the big city hospitals, but of the real India, from which we are blissfully protected by our LCD screens and power-windows.
In a country where the health infrastructure rests dominantly on quacks, why target an errant surgeon to this extent? Let us give him his place under the Indian sun, and make him a Health Minister or something. That will show the world that, bullshitters though we may be, we are consistent and honest, unlike Zimbabwe, Gabon or Bangladesh. But, as we say: "What to do, we are like this only!"

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Monday, June 25, 2007

THE BUZZ OF THE VIBRATING CONDOM


Well, here is another great invention getting some stick, as opposed to getting on it: the new vibrating condom called Crezendo, has been indickted as harmful to Indian culture. The Prime Minister of India has been attacked by politicians for "promoting a sex toy that is harmful to Indian culture".
This condom, as the news stories say, has a chip in its base, and vibrates to give pleasure. The condom, so the story goes, will become popular in India and help in stopping the spread of AIDS, which occurs mainly because Indian men think condoms are harmful to their culture. It is a small wonder that in a country where babies are created faster than you can say ‘Rabbit’, sex itself is not considered to be anti-Indian. I strongly support a public movement against all sex. Let us ban sex. Let our wonderful politicians take the initiative and take a hard stand one night on this menace. Let them declare under oath that, as long as they are Ministers or MPs, they will not have sex with any human (male, female, or indeterminate), with any animal, plant, or derivative products, or with any object, natural or synthetic, without fear or favor. And they cannot even say “Gaaaawdd” when they come to the natural culmination of this topic, leaving no issue, if you understand me!
Once our great politicians stand on one pole, the rest of the nation can ban sex. Naturally, sex toys, condoms (vibrating or silent, spicy or fruity), sexy, vulgar TV channels like FTV, AXN (no, don't ask me why--I am surprised even the History channel is not banned), etc. will be wiped out. Mass opinion will flush these cockroaches down the drain.
As long as this issue still remains at large and pokes us in the eye, let us milk this topic for all its worth, go the nine inches, sorry yards, and ask the most important question:
“Does the vibrating condom actually work the way we imagine it to?”

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

GREAT EXPECTATIONS IRAQED!

Mounting frustrations with local hospitals pushed this young peasant to seek a second opinion at the nearest Ivory Tower. His complaints prompted a urine analysis for which he was sent to a nearby lab. The lab policy demanded a pre-pay along with the sample! The charge was 20 Dinars. Pissed off and cock-a-hoop with indignation, he whined, "Why so much? In my home town we pay 5 Dinars and we do not even have to give a sample!!"




A new proctologist started his promising business in a small town where there was no match for his skills. Among his first patients was a peasant who believed that a good physician should know what is wrong without soliciting information from the patient! The doctor completed a focused exam and hoped he would put his finger on the problem with the tools of his trade but to no avail. The patient finally revealed his illness, a bad tooth that needed to be pulled out! "But why did you let me dig deep in your butt at that time?" Said the doctor in vain. "I assumed you were going to pull it from the root", the peasant replied!


It was a bad weekend on call for Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Medical City Teaching hospital in Baghdad. Three smaller hospitals were closed due to tetanus. By default, we became the only one taking patients. I remember there were 75 admissions in 36 hours! Patients were laying anywhere and everywhere, beds or no beds. One proud dad came to discharge his wife and his new heir, but....We could not find either of them! After 2 long hours of search, the man spelled out his choice: "Tell you what, give me my wife back and you can keep the baby!"

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-23-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online. (Jay Leno)

The U.S. Senate grilled the State Department in hearings Monday over the backlog in passport applications. Travel rules vary. You need a passport to travel from the United State to Mexico but to come back you just need a bottle of water and a compass. (Argus Hamilton)

Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad things are going for the Bush administration that even Dick Cheney pretends he has nothing to do with it? (Pedro Bartes)

The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer that Alli can cause uncontrollable diarrhea and they recommend wearing dark clothes and bringing a change of pants with you. Talk about a crappy endorsement. (Alex Kaseberg)




Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced. (David Letterman)

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush gave a speech Friday at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast held in a Washington D.C. hotel. He wanted to shake hands with everybody afterwards, however he didn't have the time. His wristwatch is in a pawn shop somewhere in Albania. (Argus Hamilton)

In a campaign ad that's a spoof of the big 'Sopranos' finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse. (Jay Leno)

Scooter Libby was ordered to jail Thursday for lying to cover up for the White House. He's from a very wealthy family. Scooter Libby holds the distinction of being the richest person to go to jail this week who never made an Internet sex video. (Argus Hamilton)

The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive: Our Father who art in heaven don't let Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel cross my path on my way to work. (Pedro Bartes)


MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Michael Bloomberg's a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for every vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins! (Craig Ferguson)

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party... and has become an Independent.... Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. (Jay Leno)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving the Republican Party and becoming an Independent, possibly to prepare for a White House run. Well nice try, Bloomberg. You can't just choose to be Independent. It's not like being gay. (Stephen Colbert)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg left the Republican Party yesterday and became unaffiliated; because like in any sinking boat, the rich are the first ones to abandon it. (Pedro Bartes)

On rumors Bloomberg will run for POTUS: I assume some of the media feel that the mayor's personal wealth could overcome his image as a short, Jewish, effete, Jewish, bachelor, Jewish, presidential candi-Jew. (Jon Stewart)

Even after becoming an independent, it's still not clear if New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg will run for president. But if elected, he promises to pass a law that will require Americans to step outside the United States every time they want to smoke. (Jake Novak)

Mayor Mike Bloomberg hinted Tuesday that he may run for president. He's a self-made billionaire and a former defendant in a sexual harassment suit. For the first time in fifteen years comedians aren't forced to support the Clintons out of self-interest. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton picked "You and I," a Celine Dion song, as part of her political campaign. Not to be outdone, Presidential Republican candidate John McCain also chose another Celine Dion song as part of his political campaign: The theme song of "Titanic." (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani's South Carolina campaign chairman was caught with five hundred grams of cocaine. He was just doing his job. For months he's been told that the GOP presidential nomination would go to whichever candidate can energize the base. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter, You are going to jail. (Conan O'Brien)

Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine. (Conan O'Brien)

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama on Monday said his campaign made a 'dumb mistake' when it circulated a memo criticizing Hillary Rodham Clinton's financial ties to India. Apparently, since he released the info, he hasn't been able to fix his computer when he calls tech support. (Pedro Bartes)

Steven Spielberg endorsed Hillary Clinton for president Thursday. His motives are no secret in Hollywood. The endorsement virtually guarantees the director of Indiana Jones the movie rights to Bill Clinton's next love affair in the White House. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger. (jay Leno)

Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She's a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. (Craig Ferguson)

Bill Clinton is now stepping into the forefront of his wife's presidential campaign, accompanying here on trips to Iowa, appearing in campaign ads, and for some reason, privately interviewing all the campaign interns. (Jake Novak)

Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, "I'm not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am." (Conan O'Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. (Jay Leno)

According to USA Today -- this is why Congress has such a low approval rating -- 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb. (Jay Leno)

On the rumor that President George W. Bush's wristwatch was stolen while meeting with crowds in Albania: "I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since - well, Al Gore. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Cheney is having his pacemaker replaced this month. It's a new model with lots of gadgets. This one issues pardons and destroys emails. (Gorsefeathers)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton, it was revealed Thursday, received a six-figure speaking fee from the Boys and Girls Club of America. However, the organization just fired Alex Rodriguez as their spokesman for carousing with strippers. It's a civil rights case if there ever was one. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, 'cause they say they can't find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don't want to do. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Democrats in Congress are extremely mad over the deleted White House emails connected to the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. The Democrats are interested in what every email said, especially the ones that claimed to have non-prescription formulas for penis enlargement. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Tennessee law aimed at limiting the recruiting of middle school athletes because, "hard-sell tactics could lead to exploitation and foster an environment in which athletics are prized more highly than academics"... which is something that shouldn't happend until college. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer reversed himself Thursday and endorsed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. He has his reasons. The sales tax is so high in New York that if snack food sales go up just one percent he can give city workers a raise. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It's been weeks since I walked through Central Park screaming, "I'm hit! I'm hit!" (Dave Letterman)

THE ARMED FORCES

The Pentagon reportedly planned a "gay bomb" that would unleash hormones to turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals who were more concerned about sex than fighting. The alternative plan was just to invade Greece. (Jim Barach)

THE LAW

North Carolina has disbarred Duke lacrosse team prosecutor Mike Nifong for dishonesty, fraud and deceit. Or, as it's called among lawyers, 'professionalism.' (Alan Ray)

Durham prosecutor Mike Nifong was disbarred Saturday over his misconduct in the Duke rape case. What a mess. He was found guilty of dishonesty, misrepresentation, fraud and deceit, or as it's known in the legal community, the four basic food groups. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people's lives in the private sector now. (Jay Leno)

Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? They used to just dispense justice now they're all crazy. There's the crying judge in Florida, there's the judge in D. C. who's suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants. If I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants... but there were no dry cleaners involved. (Craig Ferguson)

TERRORISM

Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton went back to a women's jail Thursday after spending a week in the county medical detention center. They've had to post extra guards around her cell during visitors hours. That's because all her girlfriends are built like skeleton keys. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

More than 36,000 couples were married in a special ceremony in New Delhi, India on Sunday. There was a message involved. It was a move by that country to halt the activity known as sex. (Alan Ray)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico... Los Angeles. (Conan O'Brien)

Mexico City is considering legalizing prostitution. Apparently they are looking at all the options to try to keep at least some men on their side of the border. (Jim Barach)

In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said the U. S. will never have Cuba. Never have? We already have. It's called Miami. (Jay Leno)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member. (Jon Stewart)

Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, "If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f*** them up" (Conan O'Brien

Now that Mahmoud Abbas has expelled Hamas from his government, the U.S. and EU have resumed sending aid to the Palestinians. This means Palestinian women can have enough food to feed their children before sending them off to suicide bombing school. (Jake Novak)

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas harshly criticized the Islamic Hamas on Wednesday for taking over Gaza last week, saying its members were "murderous terrorists"... sounds like someone is just a little jealous. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There's something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they're German. You know they're just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together. Does this sound familiar? (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

I guess you heard, there's a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they're hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India. (Jay Leno)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

United Nations chief nuclear weapons inspector Mohamed ElBaradei tried to cool tensions between the U.S. and Iran Thursday. He said it would be an act of sheer madness to attack Iran over its refusal to freeze their nuclear program. So it's a go. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Americans drove fewer miles in 2005, the first decrease in twenty five years. The number one reason for less travel was no job to go to. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

A New York doctor claims that he has invented a cream that makes women's orgasms much more intense. Apparently, the cream works best when applied by Brad Pitt. (Conan O'Brien)

Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist. (Conan O'Brien)

The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. (Conan O'Brien)

The makers of the diet drug Alli included a disclaimer that Alli can cause bad diarrhea. As a result, they are now touting Alli as an effective cough suppressant because, the diarrhea is so bad, you’ll be too afraid to cough. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)



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Saturday, June 23, 2007

IN BED, BLOGGY STYLE!

Blogging.
Looking catatonically at a screen.
Moving blind fingers invisibly over a silent keyboard (it’s a Mac).
Smiling serenely, reading unreal compliments about oneself.
Going to bed with a hot piece. A laptop.
Becoming too self-possessed to notice your iBags.
Sprouting a hernioid mid-part that serves as a table for the PowerBook.
(At least the gonads are spared the thermal damage, but why do I bother?)
Make friends with perfect strangers, like Hugh Grant does with women on the street.
Diagnose you are getting bald when the laptop malfunctions, because all your hairs went into the AS..H.. L; (I mean the keys on board, have a look at yours, keyboard, I mean!)
Only people with really dirty minds must be reading my blogs.
Have early morning headaches the way women have big-night headaches (both work as anorexiants for the sex organs). Useless brainwave #4358= let us call them gonorexiants! Or libidorrhagic agents. Is there a Nobel Prize for being just clever?
Laugh like a hysterical patient of hysteria while reading the popularity of your blog: at 22476824930044999000000004427639427398, you never knew that many earthlings even existed, leave alone earthlings with enough shillings to bear internet billings.
Stare vacantly past conversations made by people, thinking about the mystique of being labeled 22476824930044999000000004427639427398 in the planet. Even as a poor student, you stood 18th in a class of 35 students. Never 22476824930044999000000004427639427398. No, I have thought about this, never.
Google must be wrong. With that many computers and terabytes (whichever way they spell that) they are bound to get confused and make the occasional mistake.
As you are vacant and contemplative, your spouse is now convinced you are having an(other) affair. God, how good that feels, to be even considered good enough to be having an affair!
The sub-pubic ambient temperatures are very high, but not so much an androgenic as an electronic phenomenon: the PowerBook is known to generate heat enough to cause blisters on a hippo’s ass, if such hippo were resourceful enough to blog on a Mac.
I read in a blog that every man and his dog have a blog. Why not a hippo? Tell me, anyone??
I think the heating issue is now affecting my hippocampus, and the whole planet.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

LOVE LETTERS

Thanks, Stan Kegel, for this amazing bit of wordsmithery!

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowel.

"Hi!" he says. "Have you ever been here before?"

"Of cursive," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time."

He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl. He looks her over. She's short and has a nice assonance. He thinks she has a fine upper-case as well.

He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn't know what to say. He is, at present, tense.



"You've a lovely set of... teeth," he sputters. "Do you Crush with breast--I mean, do you brush with Crest?"

"Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."

Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy. He pictures a perfect wedding. They exchange wedding vowels.

The minister says, "I now pronouns you husband and wife."

They kiss each other on the ellipsis. "I love you, noun forever, " he whispers. The conjugation is in tiers.

(In a word, they are wed.)

He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance.

She declines.

"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."

"Are you prepositioning me?"

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."

"Oh my God, you're like, such a boldfaced character!"

"I see your point. But I'm font of you."

"Do I have to spell it out to you? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Reluctantly, he decides to letter b.

"Now my evening lies in runes," he laments.

He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.
(By Gary Roma)

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

NEW SURGICAL SPECIES

This article I wrote is the front page editorial of this June issue of General Surgery News, though the online version is not yet available.

Scientists, poor sods, say that a new species of animal or insect is discovered only once in every ten years or so. With scientific research booming, along with the explosion of the information technology industry, there is very little that is new. Somewhere in the chaotic interaction of gigabytes and Google, of genetic engineering and gamete storage, new species of human beings have evolved right under our very noses, and yet remained undiscovered. Amazingly, the mutation (for this is a sudden, unplanned change rather than the other, slowish sort of genetic change for which there surely is a name) has happened in a classa humanis that stubbornly resists change, almost like the Indian socialist: I refer to Homo surgicalis, the erstwhile, slowly extinctifying class of barber-ic surgeons.



If you are unaware of the evolution, and yet are part of the revolution, you are probably a laparoscopic surgeon. And if, God save you and your patients, you are unaware of both, you are likely a true-blue general surgeon, whose ancestors were knee-deep in blood and other unspeakably foul-smelling and distasteful body fluids, chopping gangrenous small bowel that looked like mutant, imported (from Italy, of course) tagliatelle, and expertly removing gall bladders that looked like last year’s aubergines bought at the Giants’ special offer!
Anyways, back to the point: what is my point, you ask?
If you consider the nature of the surgeon in the last decade and the coming one, you will understand.
The Laparoscopic Surgeon (LS) is stereotypically a very dynamic, ambitious animal possessed of more skills than wisdom, much like a New York senator wanting to be President. In the midst of a busy, lucrative practice, he has to use his frequent flier points and travel to Honduras or Nicaragua and show the natives how to do a TEP or a fundoplication. He also has to appear annually, sage-like, at the world’s premier endoscopic surgical conference and present his ‘innovation’ in laparoscopy that he noticed in a third world workshop last year. It is a different matter that the audience is more interested in seeing his impressive list of ‘conflicting interests’ than in his video, but men will be men: ‘yours is bigger than mine’ is a syndrome of comparative truth, from childhood to andropause.
An amazing thing about this new class of Homo surgicalis: the lap surgeon uses tiny incisions of around six or eight inches, sometimes, that are only a few nanometers smaller than the huge ones made by his evolutionarily challenged brother, called ‘HALS’ or ‘extraction ports’, that dramatically reduce operating time, hospital stay, and wound infections. The world has woken up to this New Reality: that an incision heals faster and easier if made in laparoscopic surgery, especially ‘mine’, and the old buzzards better, well, buzz off! The chapter of open surgery is now closed!
The LS is like a hypothetical animal that uses its long horns to snare fruits from the top of a tree because it is aware of its long horns. It forgets its jaws, its strong limbs, and its quick jump, just because its long horns are its pride, its quintessential hubris. The LS, likewise, uses his scope-vision to treat all his patients. The results are likely to be, for want of a better word, fruitful.
Homo laparoscopus (HL) has another peculiar feature: the species is taller and more dynamic than the Gandhian ‘internist’ class of physicians, known in informed circles as Homo prescriptus. A sub sect of HL is a sub-specialist working in Hernia Institutes or as a consultant to Ethical and un-Ethical mesh manufacturing companies. This is an example of Homo inguinus, a groinocological surgeon.
A new disease affecting the calcaneum and the plantar ligaments awaits existence, but the treatment is already, um, ready: laparoscopic fasciectomies, tenotomies and other incomprehensible ablations, in the new department prosaically named the Laparoscopically Accessed Sole Surgery (LASS) and to be socked to the customers as ‘Hole-in-the-Sole’. As a new procedure class, it is a shoe-in, experts say. A niche in this would be endoscopically guided surgery for paronychia and hangnail removal that has been estimated to reduce global loss of millions of man-days every year. This class of surgeon should be anointed Homo subunguous. Research on stapling these stubborn hangnails and microvascular sealing systems to control bleeding from incisions should be available once the disease is recognized as a silent killer, much like the obesity pandemic that affects the poorest of countries. In fact, new research states that the poorer you are, the more likely you are to get fat. Says how badly the US economy has been doing for so long, isn’t it?
To come back to the laparoscopic surgeon, he is too self-possessed now to notice that his existence in the near future is jeopardized, much like an MP3 player walloped in the south pole by the iPod. He is focused on refining newer ways of image-guided gymnastics to such an extent that he fails to notice the change in the world around him. The new world is, forget small-incision surgery, all about no-incision (no scar) surgery.
This new class of specialist puts in scopes through all natural body orifices and takes out organs like a magician takes rabbits out of a hat. Only that the magician gets paid a lot less and is a lot more fun to watch. The invader of the hole on either pole of the body belongs to a new class called Pokus neodigestivus. Enter the new digestive surgeon, a hybrid of endoscopist and hard-boiled laparoscopic surgeon. Rarely, if ever, has a chimera extinguished a parent species, but this could well be the case here.
The interested audience to the new, enchanting, global, industry-sponsored circus-dance of the robots, the neo-endoscopists and the increasingly archaical laparoscopic surgeon is, as always, the general surgeon (sub-species skepticus) and the internist (sub-species studious). Seated in the ringside, so to speak, is the friendly media, Slurpus sensationalis.

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When You Don't Take "No" for an Anwer!

Do you know how it is to be on the frontlines in an active war? Just like getting married to the wrong person!
After my internship I was drafted into the military service during the Iraq-Iran war and reported to my infantry Battalion as ordered. My commander, a Colonel, had some peri-anal issues. Based on what he told me, I did not think he had piles, but he insisted he did and would not take “no” for an answer.

One early morning, I was summoned to his post, where he demanded an examination. But I had no proctoscope (a metal tube half as wide as an ice cream cone). He dispatched me with his guards some 30 miles away to the nearest MASH unit. There I was greeted with unusual respect and was indulged with all the tools of my liking. Back at the frontline, I performed the proctoscopy on my commander, a 5 feet-nothing, chubby male with a face the color of sun-dried Italian tomatoes. As I advanced the scope, the enemy could have heard his groans! His face turned the color of sun-dried Italian olives. Luckily for me, it went through fairly quickly. As he pulled his pants up he said, "Thank God I am not gay!” Dismissed!!

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A MATTER OF PRIORITY!



What started as a routine delivery one night (while I was laboring in the delivery department), turned out to be a misadventure! The delivery of this stubborn baby required the use of force! The obstetrician and I were sweating bullets while maneuvering the baby's head with forceps. We were not sure how either of us or the baby would survive this ordeal! But the baby finally decided to throw in the towel just before we did, and came out in one piece, loudly complaining about such a poor welcome to the world. The mom was doing well too. We felt like heroes and we were not about to let it go without bragging about it! We rushed to give the good news to the eager husband and father. After graphic explanations, we were ready for an onslaught of questions. To our surprise, the dad had only one thing to ask, "When can I have sex?" The Obstetrician replied,"Oh, just give me five minutes, while I go and pull out the placenta first!"

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

PUTTING THE FINGER ON THE TRUTH!

One early morning, our group of twelve senior medical students reported to an outpatient clinic run by a consultant general surgeon. We started the day with a young chap complaining of pruritus ani (itchy butt-hole). What a way to start a day! Needless to say the patient was embarrassed to share his secret, and so were we, as we did not know what to expect.

The consultant surgeon interviewed the chap and asked him to the hot couch in knee-elbow position! While doing his digital exam, he gave us his blessings out of the corner of his eyes. Like soldiers in command, we all put our gloves on, each raising his or her index finger up in the air. With the patient looking on in awe, covering his face with his hands, each one of us got to greet his prostate! A total of thirteen of us! In sarcasm, the patient turned around while pulling his pants up and made a statement that is still ringing in my ears every time I take a medical student through such an exam: "Hey doc, for Heaven's sakes, is this a butt or a medical university?"

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DOC, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING?

You have, like me, all seen at some time or the other, some movie or heard some joke about a surgeon's watch left in a patient's tummy during surgery. I don't know of too many doctors who can afford to leave their Breitlings and Rolexes in such secure vaults as the bellies of patients, but I do know of a few who have left pieces of cotton, called gauzes and mops (the latter being bigger and bulkier) inside, blissfully unaware that the patient was really not dying for the unwelcome implant!

In the days when I (as a resident) used to pick up patients from Government hospital OPDs and push them into surgeries because I wanted to do them (as opposed to their needing them at that moment), I once operated on a patient for a recurrent thyroid tumor. He had been operated a few years back and soon felt the same tumor, for which he came to me. No scans, those days. 'See and cut, cut and see' was the mantra. In the OR, the tumor turned out to be a piece of leftover gauze surrounded by a dense capsule of tissue reaction. Patient cured. Much later, I learnt that this was an example of a Gossypiboma. Doctors always try to mask this disaster as a 'Foreign Body', though not all foregn bodies are our creations (like thorns, fish-bones, etc).
It is every surgeon's nightmare when a mop goes missing during surgery. The theater nurse has to reconcile the count of mops she came in with before surgery, and she has to leave with the same numbers seen and counted outside the patient's abdomen. Else, an xray has to be got, though it is not a sure shot answer in the third world, and the patient may need to be re-opened, and...it is best avoided like an airplane co-passenger with XDR-TB!
Now, technology is here to make such silly things as obsolete as writing letters. SmartSponge System is a product that seems so simple you wonder why no one thought of it. It has a small Radio-frequency Identification Device (RFID) chip implanted in each sponge (an American name for a mop) with its own serial number. A device just detects the sponges at the end of surgery and counts them, with each number being listed. The FDA has just approved the device, and hopefully, it will become a standard gadget in our ORs.
As a laparoscopic surgeon, I have less worries with sponges, as it hard to imagine pushing in a six inch sponge through a 10 mm cannula. But I can push in small gauze pieces to soak up stuff, and this technology would be one way to prevent becoming too (in)famous!

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

INSECT INSIDE


Scientists have implanted computer chips in a pupa within a cocoon, leading to the creation of an intelligent moth that can be remote controlled. Stretching the imagination a bit, one can visualise these moths , fitted with cool, hi-res video cameras that transmit images wirelessly to the CIA, as spying on terrorist groups. This is yet another brainy project of DARPA, the US Army Division that plans research for the future. It may be worth remembering that DARPA is credited for the creation of the internet! For the full article on the cyborg moth, click here.
I have, in my article 'The Science of Bioterror', mentioned how the counterterror gurus have devised similar remote-controlled bees that are capable of detecting biological agents of terrorism, like anthrax, for example. I have been privileged to interact personally with Rick Satava, an authority on Disruptive Medicine, about which I have written previously.
While it remains to be seen how the fast evolving terrorists react to future technologies, we are likely to see commercially available advanced, miniature spying devices that will be used to violate individual privacy. I cannot but quote Peter Valery here: “The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.”

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Monday, June 18, 2007

JEST FOR KIDS 06-18-07


Thanks, Stan Kegel!

Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a ceramicist?
A hairy potter. (Richard Lederer)

Why was the little ink drop depressed?
Because his father was in the pen and wasn't coming out until the end of his sentence. (Gary Hallock)

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me.

What do bees use to make their hair look nice?
Honey combs

Why do people buy things with their credit cards?
They get a charge out of it.

PUNS

When Peter Pan spoke to Captain Hook he made an off-hand comment.

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.

He worked at a factory making eye glasses and was pushed into the machine. He made a spectacle of himself. He was framed.

GROANERS

One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. Since my mom was not with us my dad said, 'Hey, son, there are TWO of us in the car; you do the math. We were through there in no time!

OTHER HUMOR

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'
(Spike Milligan)

Children should be seen but not herded. (Anthony Gray)

"Waiter Waiter, there is a spider in my soup!"
"Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly."

"Goodbye and thanks for the radio," said Torn with a short wave. (Stan Kegel)

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44? Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

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DOLMA AND DORMA


My friends Samir and Layla Johna are on a roll with the celebrated Turkish dish Dolma. I hope you have read their previous post on dolma here. They have again made the dish and left us poor folks staring psychotically at the photographs. Angered and agitated at this lack of consideration, I decide to write about his pictures and his dish and share it with you.

According to a Wikipedia article on the dish, the best-known is the grape-leaf dolma, which is more precisely called yaprak dolma or sarma. Common vegetables to stuff include tomatoes and peppers.

The stuffing may include meat or not. Meat dolma are generally served warm, often with sauce; meatless ones are generally served cold. Both can be eaten along with yoghurt. The filling may be minced meat, rice or grain. In either case, the filling includes lemon juice, onion, parsley, herbs and spices. Meatless fillings are cooked with olive oil and include dried grapes, nuts or pulses.


Dolma cooked with olive oil without minced meat is sometimes called yalancı which literally means "liar", "false" or "fake" in Turkish. The reason for which it is described "false" is that it does not contain meat.
I realise now that this dish is very similar conceptually to the Bengali dish Potoler Dorma. This is essentially a fried pointed gourd that is stuffed with a fish like rohu or prawn. The whole dish is cooked in pungent mustard gravy. I personally chicken out of all fishy dishes, as I have said before, but love the vegetarian option, where the dorma is stuffed with coconut, nuts and raisins, and each piece of pointed gourd sits in absolute unity with its neighbor, bonded by the mustard. For a recipe of potoler dorma, click here.

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

GRIEVOUS HURT!


I wrote this small piece back in 2005, when there was a news article on an enraged woman biting off her man's, er, cohones. Check it out.

How much weird do people need to get? We now hear that a woman ripped off the testicles of her lover and tried to swallow the harvest she reaped.
I think she was stretching it too far, wouldn't you say? She thought she would gonad when he refused her advances, and tried to take pole position.
After this rip-off of a romance, he can never, he says, count semen among his friends. Why, she did not even have the basic man-ners to know how to have a ball without biting off more than she could chew. The word 'phlegmatic' means to be combative. I propose the word 'spermatic' as a new coinage, to depict a rage that comes when one waves a red rag in front of a ball breaker. This lady may not have had a ball, but she did not have her bearings, either!

Anyways, I always thought men have balls so that they could scratch them. At least, that is how things looked from Calcutta, and it was much later that I learnt that even great men in history have needed to do that. Yes, yes, I know, this bit is making you itchy and fidgety. I mention the term scratching the balls as a valuable activity in pool. What did you think? Now that we are talking of this, the term ball scratching means 'a boring situation' in Hebrew.
However, a 'Ball Scratcher' is not a rude person. It means a greater-than-average difficult problem. You know, as opposed to a 'head scratcher'.
Again, I pass without purpose into particularly pruritic posts that puritan pundits will profoundly pillory, pummel, and pull to pieces. Allow me this alliterative attitude, avoiding allergic and acerbic acknowledgement of my attempt to allay an Anglicised abbystench!

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Surgery Residents, are you still complaining?


As a doctor who fled Iraq in 1991 after spending 6 years of my life in active duty on the frontlines, everything else I faced was Heaven for me. I was lucky enough to start my residency in general surgery only a few months after my boat landed on Los Angeles shores. Needless to say, surgical residency is a gruelling experience, and while I enjoyed it, many of my friends complained, and still do!!
Well, you complaining surgical residents, listen to this story!
There was a little sparrow that used to fly to the South every winter to avoid the cold weather. One winter it said,” I am leaving no more; I am tough and can take it.” And so it did. And before long, it started to snow and it fell, frozen, half-dead in the barnyard. A cow went by and crapped on the sparrow. It turned warm again and the sparrow was back to life. That was a big mistake because a cat saw what was happening. It came, cleared the shit off the sparrow, and ate it. I learned three lessons out of this:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy!
Not everyone who clears the shit off you is your friend!
and, most of all:
if you are happy and warm in the shit, keep quiet!!

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GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND


Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You thinks you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
Again, she replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-16-07


From Stan Kegel:

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In an interview in Marie Claire magazine, the beautiful Angelina Jolie says it's easier for her to hold a conversation when she's naked. She's more comfortable talking when she's nude. Well, can't we book her on the show? (Jay Leno)

The buried bones of a-200,000-year-old Mastodon were discovered in Carlsbad; there was an awkward moment when they asked Gov Schwarzenegger what he thought of the buried bones, Arnold said; "The Bury Bones is zah tremendous home run hitter but he took zah steroids, yah." (Alex Kaseberg)

This just in. Congress today voted to take enough money from the U. S. border security budget to build a 20-foot wall around Paris Hilton. A mobile wall -- one that goes wherever she goes. Some say it's welfare -- others say it's homeland security. (HaBlog)

Tonight marks the final episode of The Sopranos. From now on, people wanting to watch organized crime in New Jersey will just have to tune in to the State Legislature. (Jake Novak)

According to a new poll out today, Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls is due to her support by women. See, she's attracting the woman vote and Bill is attracting the other woman vote. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant is upset about being labeled a petulant brat despite his recent on-and-off trade demands and belittling his teammates and owner in the press. In fact, Kobe is so upset at the label petulant brat, if it doesn't stop, Kobe is going to hold his breath until he is blue. (Alex Kaseberg)

A billboard in Florida resembling a giant name tag reading "Hello, my name is Hugh Jass," has incensed parents because it's near a children's playground. Parents in Hollywood, Fla., were surprised an area radio station would place the sign so near a playground and asked city officials to remove it, The Miami Herald said Wednesday. "I can't believe they would put that near a park," said Michelle Aarons, a mother of two. In response to such complaints, Hollywood city officials asked the radio station to remove the sign from its highly visible location. The station's owner, ClearChannel Communications, has agreed to remove the sign from its home near the Hollywood Academy of Arts and Science Charter School. (Training To Laugh)

BUSH IN ALBANIA

George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him. (David Letterman)

President Bush was mobbed by adoring crowds in Albania Sunday as he toured the capital. The crowds reached over the rope line and began rubbing the president's head for good luck. This explains the sense of doom which pervades the entire region. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush received a hero's welcome on the streets of Albania Sunday. The crowd reached over the rope line to hug him and grab his hands. They knew whoever got his wristwatch could sell it on eBay for enough money to move to a real country. (Argus Hamilton)

I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded. To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as "the poor man's Kazakhstan." (Jon Stewart)

Press secretary Tony Snow denied president Bush had his watch stolen in Albania and said that Bush put it in his own pocket. Apparently it is normal for the president to put the watch in his pocket as prevention ; a procedure that he developed throughout the years after shaking hands with so many congressmen. (Pedro Bartes)

Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions (Jon Stewart)

President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero's welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, "I love you albino people." (Jay Leno)

Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, "I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard" (Conan O'Brien)

People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he's a God. It's like that whole David Hasselhoff's a star in Germany. He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts. (Jay Leno)

PARIS HILTON

More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton was freed from Los Angeles County jail Thursday pending a hearing Friday. What an eerie week. With Paris Hilton in jail, Rosie O'Donnell off The View and President Bush in Europe, three out of four Americans suspected they had gone deaf. (Argus Hamilton)

You'll be happy to know that Paris Hilton is back in jail. If this is an episode of 'Punk'd,' it's the best episode ever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton is now back in jail. Paris Hilton tried to testify over the phone but the judge ordered her to show up in person. The judge said he didn't want to talk to Paris on the phone because she charges three dollars a minute. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton was ordered back into jail by a Los Angeles judge to complete her forty-five day sentence on Friday. The county supervisors were flooded with phone calls from people complaining about the sentence. By a five-to-one margin, they favored execution. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton last year flunked a roadside sobriety test in West Hollywood even though witnesses said she had just one martini. It's a lesson for every starlet in town. They will test drunk just by walking through the bar if they don't start eating. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton was driven back to jail Friday with news helicopters overhead. It was celebrity justice long overdue. Everybody always hoped that someone would go to jail for killing Nicole Brown Simpson, but nobody thought it would be Paris Hilton. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton flew to Los Angeles Friday to complain about Paris Hilton's special treatment. He said it shows there's racism in Los Angeles. A race riot was narrowly avoided when Al Sharpton neglected to provide a Spanish translation for his comments. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton was here today. He flew out. He had a press conference to discuss how he felt Paris was getting preferential treatment. He was mad. In fact, he called her "a nappy-headed ho." (Jay Leno)

In a phone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. Yeah, in fact Paris said that praying is now her second favorite thing to do while down on her knees. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters from prison Monday to say she is giving up her dumb act. The heiress said she's not the ditzy character she plays in public. She said while in prison she found G-d, but was baffled as to why G-d was in prison. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton announced Monday that she won't appeal her jail sentence. She must spend the next three weeks in a locked room away from her family and alone with her books. Laura Bush just called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for her. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They're already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail. I believe they're calling it "The Bird Brain of Alcatraz." (David Letterman)

The judge apparently thought it was only fair -- Congress denied amnesty for low-wage illegal aliens, so he denied amnesty for rich girl Paris Hilton. The difference being, of course, that 12-million illegal aliens remain on the loose while Paris does not. (Scott Witt)

Paris still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons. (Craig Ferguson)

The judge ordered Paris Hilton back to jail because he said she does not deserve special treatment. The judge pointed out that in Los Angeles, celebrities only get special treatment if they commit murder. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton is back in jail today. You know what that means Your cards and letters made a difference! Here's the scary part: In a show of support, Nicole Ritchie is going on a hunger strike. (Jay Leno)

They didn't televise the proceedings. They didn't want this to turn into some kind of a media circus. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is reportedly not sleeping or eating while in jail. So it looks like she has really made herself at home after all. (Jim Barach)

How about that Paris Hilton thing? Isn't it silly? She was hustled into a squad car; she was screaming for her mother. not a pretty picture. That's exactly how I left NBC. (David Letterman)

Paris Hilton is adjusting to life in prison. It’s a bit different for her in the joint. A road trip now involves cleaning up the side of it. (Alan Ray)

THE CANDIDATES

Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He's endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he's putting her in his new movie, "Raiders of the Lost Cause." (Craig Ferguson)

Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in "Jurassic Park" with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in "Close Encounters." You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in "E.T." (-Jimmy Kimmel)

Senator Joseph Lieberman says the U.S. should seriously consider a military strike against Iran. Too bad we still haven't seriously considered our military strike against Iraq. (Jake Novak)

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell says he will endorse the "best person" to be president regardless of party affiliation. And it's just that kind of savvy judgement and loyalty that have put Powell where he is today... out of work. (Jake Novak)

Mitt Romney has said he wouldn't practice polygamy even if the Morman Church allowed it, and besides, being president would be tough enough without having to pick which wife would be First Lady, which Second Lady, and so on down the line. (Scott Witt)

Fred Thompson's on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on "Law & Order." That's typical Hollywood typecasting. He's a Republican so Hollywood automatically puts him on "Law & Order." See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on "Desperate Housewives." (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson pulled even with Rudy Giuliani in GOP polls Monday. Fred Thompson played the U.S. attorney in New York while Rudy was the U.S. attorney in New York. So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could fire them both and save John McCain's career. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire Monday to read out a list of Twelve Commitments he pledges to keep if he's elected president. He's had three wives and now he's got twelve commitments. How on earth did Mitt Romney end up being the Mormon in this race?

Rudy Giuliani told New Hampshire voters Tuesday that Democrats want to take America back to the 1990s, which he said would be a mistake. It might not be. Even if we didn't catch Osama bin Laden in time, we'd at least know when to get out of tech stocks.

Colin Powell acknowledged Sunday he's met with Senator Barack Obama to advise him on foreign policy and military matters. It's obvious. Just last week Obama went to the U.N. to complain that Hillary Clinton has chemical and biological weapons. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times published a secret Hillary Clinton campaign memo Thursday. It says Bill Clinton has had trouble meeting fundraising goals in California. By the time he gets done with Sharon Stone and the hairstylist, most of the donors have left. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the L.A. Times, Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He's second. He's popular with what they call the Republican base. He's considered a straight shooter. Don't confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can't shoot straight. (Jay Leno)

And here's the latest on the John Edwards campaign: It turns out that yes, there are two Americas ... and neither one is voting for him" --Jay Leno

PRESIDENT BUSH

Tony Snow vows President Bush would twist arms in the U.S. Senate Tuesday to revive the immigration bill. This could get ugly. By the time President Bush twists their arms over immigration and they wring his neck over Iraq, Michael Vick will be able to promote dog fighting as the humane alternative to Washington politics. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush was in Rome and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope "sir' instead of "your holiness." Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the "Popester" (Jay Leno)

Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush had a meeting with rock star Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band, UTube. (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush finished up his big European trip. He visited with the Pope. They discussed world events, and then caught a matinee of "Knocked Up." (David Letterman)

President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment when he asked the pope, "Hey, how's Mrs. Pope?" (Jay Leno)

President Bush made a rare visit to Capitol Hill Tuesday for lunch with Senate Republicans to try to win more GOP support for his immigration bill. But the lunch had to be served on paper plates because they couldn't find any Americans willing to wash the dishes. (Jake Novak)

At the G-8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I believe the correct pronunciation is "Abracadabra." (Conan O'Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. (David Letterman)

Former White House counsel and rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has been subpoenaed by Congress to testify in the fired U.S. attorneys case. It's proof once again that that Democrats are the only ones who think Harriet Miers knows anything about anything. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time. (David Letterman)

A federal judge said Thursday he will not delay Lewis "Scooter" Libby's sentence, and could send the former White House aide to prison within weeks. The judge said that he is afraid that if we don't send Scooter to jail right now, the screen might go black and we will never know if he committed suicide, went to a Caribbean Island or hunting with Dick Cheney. (Pedro Bartes)

A federal judge has ruled that Scooter Libby cannout remain out of jail while he appeals his sentence. It's not clear who this disappoints more: Libby or liberal conspiracy theorists who think Dick Cheney rules the world. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

The National Republican Congressional Committee is expected to raise only half of what was raised last year. Apparently the NRCC knows that 2007 has been economically rough for Republicans as they spent most of their money buying books against Hilary and jewelry to their wives to forget about the DC madam. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

A little more than a week after it was published, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt says his offer of up to $1 million for anyone providing proof of an illicit sexual affair with a politician has attracted about 200 tips so far. Of course the 178 of them concerning Harry Reid are just not credible. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Senate killed the president's immigration reform bill Friday following a public outcry against amnesty. Supporters of the bill threw buckets of money at lawmakers to try to revive it. Appliance stores in Washington are now advertising office refrigerators with freezers which can hold up to ninety thousand dollars cash. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman William Jefferson pleaded not guilty to bribery charges Friday. The circumstantial evidence looks bad. Ninety thousand dollars was found in the freezer at his home, and he recently lost three fingers to frostbite. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES


New York Governor Eliot Spitzer backed a medical marijuana bill Wednesday. The reaction was swift. Within the hour, Miami Dolphins running back Rickey Williams asked to be traded to the New York Jets where he could get treatment for his hamstring.(Argus Hamilton)

By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it? (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in this city is at an all-time low! New York City is the safest big city in the United States. It's all because of Mayor Bloomberg's tough new program: Three murders, you go to jail. (David Letterman)

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, "The first step to the White House." (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said Monday he takes full responsibility for his marriage break-up. He won't discuss rumors of his extramarital affairs. However, it's an article of faith among Democrats that monogamy is the enemy of free will. (Argus Hamilton)

Some sad news. It looks like the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa and his wife are separating and heading for a divorce. I understand she's asking for everything west of La Cienega. (Jay Leno)

The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride. This will mean that the only people in the city that won't be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it. (Conan O'Brien)

THE ARMED FORCES

Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since "Rent" was made into a movie. They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay. (Jay Leno)

TERRORISM

Donald Rumsfeld is facing a personal suit that claims he is responsible for torturing accused terrorists. Unfortunately for the prosecution, three of the four plaintiffs drowned during their deposition. (Jim Barach)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush said today that immigration is good for America. In fact, he'd like to see a lot of Albanians enter the country. (Patrick Gorse)

In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation’s new immigration bill. (Andy Borowitz)

SECURITY

The government now says it now takes about 12 weeks for an American to get a passport now. A three-month waiting list if you want to get out of the country. But of course to get into the country, there's no wait at all, you just walk across (Jay Leno)

Weird story, but true. Two drug-sniffing dogs have been fired by airport security for urinating on passengers' luggage. The drug-sniffing dogs apologized and said, "We were totally high when we did that." (Conan O'Brien)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea fired two missiles into the Sea of Japan Thursday for the second time in eleven months. Their dictator had claimed for two years he has missiles that could reach Los Angeles. He didn't tell us he has to fire them from Santa Monica. (Argus Hamilton)

This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. I was thinking about this and was like, "Oh hell, that's Leno's problem. (David Letterman)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

A cyclone packing huge winds of up to 200 mph has hit the Persian Gulf oil fields. Iranian officials announced today they are still trying to figure out how to blame this on the Jews. (Jay Leno)

Shimon Peres was elected Israel's ninth president Wednesday. The Israeli presidency is actually only a ceremonial position, and Peres' nine decades of political irrelevance made him a shoo-in for the job. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There's something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they're German. You know they're just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Vladimir Putin and President Bush relaxed tensions Thursday and they discussed a compromise on where to place a missile shield system. It pays to be cautious when dealing with the Russians. President Bush agreed to consider Putin's offer of having a missile shield in Azerbaijan but he turned down Putin's offer of a cup of soup. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Most Americans in their 60's say they plan on working into their 80's or until they pay off their student loans, whichever comes first. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE

Another whale shark has died at the Georgia Aquarium. Officials say that the shark had stopped eating and been showing erratic and obsessive behavior ever since he watched the final episode of the Sopranos Sunday night. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

While police are warning parents about a deadly mix of heroin and barbiturates coming out of Texas known as "cheese heroin" that sells for about $2 a hit, there's apparently an even more addictive item coming out of Texas called "petroleum" that's currently selling for about $3.50 a hit. (Jake Novak)

Here's an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!" (Jay Leno)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)

THE WEATHER

Did you realize we are in the middle of a drought here in New York City? I came into work today and everyone was gathered around a moist towelette talking about their weekend. (David Letterman)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all residents Thursday to reduce their water use by ten percent due to drought. Tempers are flaring. There's even a citywide fight over whether Paris Hilton should be forced to take community showers. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you're not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. (Craig Ferguson)

Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn't an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it's the stupid thing to do. (Conan O'Brien)

Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline has backed out of an acting job at an upcoming movie with academy award winner Forrest Whitaker sighting a scheduling conflict. Apparently, the boss at Taco Bell would not let him out of his shift. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE

Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary of his death. In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping Network was down 50% Saturday. (Jokes To Go)

The New York Times said Sunday that cocaine use in nightclubs is back in style big-time among young people in their twenties. That's bad news. The good news is Congress can stop worrying about the projected cost of Medicare in forty years. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a poll by the website HostelBookers.com, 76% of people say that they either had a serious romance, a fling or a one-night stand when they were traveling overseas. The survey was done among presidents visiting the G8 summit. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

A handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln was recently discovered in the National Archives. Because of the electronic age, there are only a few handwritten notes from President Bush. And the writing in crayon makes them hard to read. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Flag Day is today. Don't forget to leave a plate of cookies out for Flaga Clause. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sunday is Father’s Day. Millions of dads will be greeted by their children with those 3 resounding words. "Where’s my allowance?" (Alan Ray)

Sunday is Father’s Day. What an occasion. He worked two jobs to send us to college. We repay him with a $2.59 card. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo", over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars" fans. (Jay Leno)

President Bush hit a new low of thirty-two percent in his personal popularity Thursday. The Republican presidential candidates now face a real dilemma. To get the crowd on their side they don't know whether to open with a Bush joke or a Clinton joke. (Argus Hamilton)

OTHER

The late President Ford will appear on a stamp in August. Why won’t they put Hillary Clinton on postage?
She never sticks to anything. (Alan Ray)

The Federal Aviation Administration warned Tuesday that air travelers face the worst flight delays in history this summer. It's the huge volume of vacation travel. The only way to avoid this hassle is to stay home and tip every third person you see. (Argus Hamilton)

A one thousand pound beluga whale was flown in a plane from Chicago to Tacoma, Washington. You think your last flight was unpleasant? Try sitting next to a one thousand pound beluga whale who requests the window seat but then keeps getting up to go to the bathroom. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

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Don't you love Italian shoes?


Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and buys them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies,"Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Gennaro answers "I see the reflection on my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies, "I see the reflection on my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers "Yes, Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight." Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ..." I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

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Friday, June 15, 2007

A MILLION BLOOMERS!


Remember Million Dollar Baby, a four-Oscar flick, with Clint Eastwood playing the tired old boxing coach picking up a girl (Hillary Swank) as his protegé, seeing her through the boxing championships, till she literally falls to bad luck in the final bout?
Now, the point is that I think the whole world is full of high-powered idiots. Like the guys who awarded the Oscars to this splendid movie. Now, I say this because the scenes in the hospital, which make for the climax, are atrocious. Let me now tell you why. The heroine, who trips and breaks her first and second cervical vertebra (what is otherwise known as a broken neck) is on a ventilator with a tracheostomy. In plain English, she was paralysed and was being kept alive by a machine that pushed in oxygen through a tube inserted in a hole in the windpipe. So bloody what, you ask? Admirable sentiments, I must admit. Much as I hate to carp at an otherwise great movie, the girl keeps talking even though she is on a trach. Now, every doctor will tell you that a trached patient can not speak, because the air doesn't go through the voice box anymore. Why couldn't the director (Clint) have researched this well and avoided a crucial faux pas? Why, he could have called me for any help. My consult rates are very standard: just a thousand per hour. Dollars, of course!
The boxwallahs have goofed up on medical issues all the time. It makes me worried how reliable the other things we learn from cinema must be. For example, biologists must have developed hernias laughing while watching the pseudos in Jurassic Park create new dinosaurs from mummified mosquitoes, or whatever it was at that time! Similarly, the guys who deal with Artificial Intelligence, like Ray Kurzweil, must be getting their stress lines ironed by watching The Matrix, or MI-3. One exception seem to be climatologists who seem to think that movies like The Day After Tomorrow or Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth are cinematic versions of the textbook truth.
In Bollywood movies, the best of the movies lose their beans when it comes to hospital scenes. For decades now, it seems that a hero with a bullet injury will escape death the moment the bullet is removed from his body. And if he has lost blood, no problem, his long-lost brother will miraculously come forward and we are treated to a great spectacle of modern medicine: direct transfusion from one hero to the other. No cross-matching, no HIV testing, etc. Who has the time, bro?
Similarly, a critically ill patient is rushed into an operation theater and anesthetised with a mask, sometimes even with a red rubber catheter in the nose. Gawd! Them things don't exist no more, guys!
At the rate in which the medical idiocy is profitably progressing, I feel a heartfelt tug to start a medical consultation firm based in Mumbai. Later I could open up an office in Hollywood. Maybe, outsource this to India, has anyone done that yet?

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