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Saturday, July 28, 2007

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-28-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush is having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another (David Letterman)

President Bush had a colonoscopy over the weekend...Apparently there were concerns about another White House leak. (Jim Barach)

Homeland Security will now allow mothers to take breast milk on airplanes. Under previous Bush administration guidelines, it was allowed on board only if still in the original container. (Bob Mills)

The NFL’s Michael Vick is indicted for dog fighting, the NBA’s Tim Donaghy is accused of fixing games he refereed, the leading team in the Tour De France was caught blood doping, and Barry Bonds is under federal investigation for perjury. You know things are bad when the classiest act in pro sports is boxing’s Don King. (Alex Kaseberg)

One more scandal and Americans could actually start watching soccer. (Jay Leno)

In the battle of the train wreck stars, it seems to be Lindsay Lohan ahead of Andy Dick, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul and David Hasselhof . How far ahead? Due to the cocaine they found, Lindsay is leading by a nose. (Alex Kaseberg)

NBA referee Tim Donaghy agreed Sunday to testify against the mobsters for whom he fixed NBA games. A betting scandal could delay league expansion plans. There's now concern that an NBA team in Las Vegas could seriously erode the town's moral fiber. (Argus Hamilton)

The so-called Moore's Law says computer chips double in power every two years. Another Moore's law says that every two years Michael Moore will come out with a new movie containing twice the exaggerations of his previous film. (Scott Witt)

A 75 year old Swedish woman has been given the fastest residential Internet uplink in the world. The 40 gig per second Internet connection can download a full length movie in two seconds. If my wife had that kind of connection, I would own everything offered on eBay within five minutes. (Jim Barach)

Homeland Security honcho Chertoff claims to have a "gut feeling" a terrorist attack is imminent. And, as one would expect from such an unqualified nitwit, has raised the threat level from "Tagamet" to "Maalox." (Caboom)

CBS is launching a new music label, reviving the name of CBS Records. To which all people under 30 years old are saying "What's a record?" (Jim Barach)


THE CANDIDATES

C-Span viewers were surprised Wednesday afternnon to see Senator Hillary Clinton talking on the Senate floor wearing a black top and revealing some cleavage. This is not the first time a Senator showed that cleavage. Apparently Senator Ted Kennedy once flashed his man boobs when his shirt unbuttoned. (Pedro Bartes)

Democratic candidates tried to tout their national security credentials Monday in South Carolina. It's a hopeless venue for them. Rudy Giuliani's been unbeatable in South Carolina ever since it was discovered that his first wife is also his cousin. (Argus Hamilton)

Disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called the current crop of GOP presidential candidates "a pathetic bunch of pygmies." Three of the Seven Dwarfs immediately demanded an apology. (Bob Mills)

We're learning more about possible Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, the former U.S. senator who plays the DA on "Law & Order." Apparently, he decided his first marriage was illegal because nobody read him his rights first. (HaBlog)

John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton was in Miami Sunday to speak to the conference of the National Council of La Raza. During her speech, Hillary highlighted her close personal and professional relationships with prominent Hispanic leaders. She even married Don Juan. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach, and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach. (Jay Leno)

The Washington Post style section lectured Hillary Clinton Friday for showing cleavage during Wednesday's Senate debate. It was tough. She had to sprinkle glitter on her throat to distinguish herself from all the other boobs sitting in the chamber. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson fired his campaign manager Monday because he didn't get along with his trophy wife. She's forty years old and every article about her says she's too young and too sexy. Now every woman in America wants to marry a presidential candidate. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States because it's all about image. He's got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife, whoever that may be at the time. Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote. (Bill Maher)

In a speech about foreign policy yesterday, Rudy Giuliani said that America needs to focus more on Pakistan. Giuliani says he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs (Conan O'Brien)

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards went bicycle riding with Lance Armstrong at an Iowa event Wednesday. The personal injury attorney told reporters that he doesn't ride a bicycle very often. It's hard to catch an ambulance on a bicycle. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is in the hospital for food poisoning. You ever see Kucinich? Doesn't he always look like he always has food poisoning? (Jay Leno)

THE DEBATES

Democratic Party presidential candidates debate tonight in Charleston. Internet users were invited to submit questions to the candidates over the Web. It could the first political debate in history to directly address the concerns of sexual predators. (Argus Hamilton)

It got a little testy at the debates the other night, where Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. And then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being 'naive.' Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would forsake all others til death do you part? (Jay Leno)

When asked what he thought of Monday's YouTube presidential debate, President Bush said he liked their music but that lead singer Bono was Irish and thus ineligible to vote. (Janice Hough)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve? (Jay Leno)

Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Constitution Saturday morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Saturday jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush’s dog to retrieve. (Andy Borowitz)

This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby (Stephen Colbert)

Democrats said today they will subpoena the five polyps discovered during President Bush's colonoscopy. "We just want to make sure," says Senator Harry Reid, "there were no polyps of mass destruction." (Joe Hickman)

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. It was a simple procedure in which a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube was inserted through the anus to examine the colon. Unfortunately doctors could not retrieve the camera because they could not find an exit strategy. (Pedro Bartes)

Bush underwent a colonoscopy at Camp David. To explain the procedure in terms he could understand, doctors told him they were using a wand "just like the one Harry Potter uses." When they tried to explain their exit strategy, he had no idea what they were talking about. (Bob Mills)

On President George W. Bush's recent colonoscopy: White house spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure “President Bush was asleep but responsive”. So how is that different than any other day? (Jay Leno)

The five polyps removed during President Bush’s colonoscopy were benign, which is a coincidence because Bush’s approval rating will soon be nine. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. When Bush woke up we were at war with Iran, Syria and Venezuela. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney used his brief period as acting commander-in-chief to good advantage. While President Bush was under sedation for a colonoscopy, Cheney ordered his way to the head of a line to buy the latest Harry Potter book. Then, after Bush regained consciousness, Cheney did as he'd done with the previous Potter books -- he read it to him. (Scott Witt)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A New Jersey nurse has been sentenced to life in prison for killing and dismembering her husband and stuffing his body parts into a set of matched luggage that washed ashore in Chesapeake Bay. If she had just thought to check them at Delta, she'd be a free woman today. (Bob Mills)

SPACE & NASA

NASA says it's worried that two Mars Rovers could be knocked out of commission by severe Martian dust storms. Scientists say they never saw dust storms like this on the Red Planet. It just proves that even solar-powered cars can't save your climate. That's the least of their problems. When Michael Vick heard that there were two Rovers on Mars he tried to set up a fight between them. (Argus Hamilton)

At least twice, astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk. Be serious! Who are they going to hit? Heck, in outer space it's even safe to talk on your cellphone. I wouldn't want 'em docking with the space station while drunk and talking on their cellphones. (HaBlog)

"Aviation Week & Space Technology" magazine reported that they'd found out about two NASA astronauts who went up into space completely drunk. Apparently that was the only way NASA had to convince the astronauts to go to space in a space ship that was created in the 80's. (Pedro Bartes)

IRAQ

Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. President Bush was wondering if those two goals could be counted as two more accomplished benchmarks. (Pedro Bartes)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China executed the government administrator in charge of the nation's internationally condemned food and drug quality last week. The execution was grisly. A squad lined him up and gave him a choice between eating the catfish and using the toothpaste. (Argus Hamilton)

China continues to recall products that can be harmful to your health, but at least it's keeping consumers informed. This warning was found in a fortune cookie: "If you've eaten this cookie, it's too late." (Scott Witt)

India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer. (Jay Leno)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

A Mexican candy has been recalled after containing traces of lead, in a sign of Mexico’s ongoing effort to compete with China’s candy industry. (Andy Borowitz)

HEALTH

The New England Medical Journal said Tuesday obesity is a socially transmitted disease. It's more visible in some places than others. No hurricane or tornado will ever blow away the Las Vegas Airport because it's so weighed down with Americans. (Argus Hamilton)


ENTERTAINMENT

The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J. K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out Friday at midnight with hundreds of thousands of children lined up at the bookstores. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Michael Vick's favorite book as a kid was Old Yeller, because he loves a happy ending. (Argus Hamilton)

MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. (Conan O'Brien)

In the Emmy nominated HBO show "Entourage" they're making the movie "Medellin." To which an NBC exec asked HBO; "What the heck is that?" "Medellin is a drug cartel" HBO replied. "No", said the NBC exec; "What's an Emmy?" (Alex Kaseberg)

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is a hit about two straight men who pretend to be gay lovers to get health coverage. It's tricky. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company. (Argus Hamilton)

"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" was roundly "pronounced lousy" by critics. In fact, it's so bad, Adam Sandler reportedly asked Robin Williams, who plays a minister in the equally dreadful "License to Wed," for a dispensation. (Bob Mills)

"I Know Who Killed Me" is out in theaters this weekend. Lindsay Lohan’s character is a departure for her. In many of the scenes, she must act sober. (Alan Ray)

The producers of the hit show "24" have announced the production will be more environmentally friendly in the future, which means Jack Bauer will be only be blowing up oil companies from now on. (Jake Novak)



CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car. (David Letterman)

Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday on DUI charges and cocaine possession. The problems for Lindsay arose when the cops suspected she was drunk, decided to do a sobriety test and asked her how she would do on a straight line, and Lindsay said: "Let me show you, do you have a mirror?" (Pedro Bartes)

Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested and charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica. After seeing what it did for Paris Hilton's image, Lohan obviously has decided she needs a few weeks in jail. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

The Vatican says it may drop a prayer for the conversion of Jews from the Latin Mass. It will be replaced with a prayer for Catholic priests to convert to heterosexual. (Jim Barach)

The Los Angeles Diocese of the Catholic Church has settled more than five hundred priest molestation lawsuits for $660 million. The settlement was going to be $666 million but they thought that might give the church a bad image. Insurance companies are paying out $227 million of the settlement. The church bought sex abuse insurance. I'm just curious why a church would even think of carrying sex abuse insurance? How the church got sex abuse insurance is a mystery. Shouldn't they have been disqualified for having a pre-existing condition? (Jim Barach)


BUSINESS

Disney has banned tobacco products from all future movies carrying the Disney logo. Which explains why Snow White was recently spotted at a film premiere wearing a skin patch. (Bob Mills)

For only the second time in history, McDonald's is reporting a loss -- something people who eat its high calorie food have never done. (Scott Witt)

Purdue Pharma L.P., the maker of OxyContin, and three of its executives were ordered Friday to pay a 634.5 million fine for misleading the public about the painkiller's risk of addiction. Apparently they already recovered the money after Rush Limbaugh and Lindsay Lohan made their weekly OxyContin shopping last Saturday. (Pedro Bartes)

Virgin America announced service from San Francisco to Los Angeles Friday. The low-fare airline offers in-flight movie rentals. It's only a thirty-minute flight but planes now sit so long on the runway that Gone with the Wind will be complimentary. (Argus Hamilton)

7 comments:

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Enrol yourself for the shortest post.

Yawn yawn !

But it was funny.

Voracious Blog Reader

B. Ramana said...

These Humerus News posts are humongous in length, did you see? When you click the 'read more' thingy you get a list of quotes that is approximately equivalent to one-tenth of the Constitution. And some of them are actually quite funny, though the perspective is exclusively American.

Voracious Blog Reader said...

Didn't my comment sound not even a wee bit sarcastic to you?

Voracious Blog Reader

B. Ramana said...

VBR,
I thought it might be sarcasm, but wasn't sure! :-)
Next time, I will be more aware and alert!!

Mahendra said...

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm

Arunk said...

For your next post of this nature, see if you can include stuff from borowitzreport.com. That guy is brilliant and of course hilarious.

Monday Morning Power said...

The NBA tam in Vegas had me on the floor.