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Saturday, July 21, 2007

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-21-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush's approval rating is so low, the only thing he's still above is the law. (Jay Leno)

Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever. (David Letterman)

The Republicans were saying, "Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq." And I'm thinking, "Well hell, chaos would be an improvement." (David Letterman)

During an interview Senator Hillary Clinton said that few times would she say something that she would regret because she thinks twice before opening her mouth, and Bill just nodded. (Pedro Bartes)

Pope Benedict XVI approved a statement issued by the Vatican reaffirming the Roman Catholic Church as the only true path to salvation, especially if you are one of the people that got $1.2 million in the latest settlement for clergy abuse. (Pedro Bartes)

Fox News is now reporting that there are people in the CIA who are working against President Bush's policy by using incompetence. So apparently, they are fighting fire with fire. (Jay Leno)

The State of California is considering an 8% tax on pornography. 8%? That sounds a little stiff. Typical politicians. They can’t stand to see someone get screwed without cashing in on it. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the latest reports, al Qaeda is increasing efforts to sneak into the United States. And they are getting pretty serious about it. I understand now they're learning Spanish. (Jay Leno)

The Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese has paid $660 million to settle these sexual abuse claims. Plus, they also have to release all the priests' confidential, personal files. I think those are called pedo-philes. (Jay Leno)

A protestor in front of the White House was grabbed by Home Land Security guys. He was carrying a sign that said "President Bush is a Fool!" He was criminally charged with insulting the president and he was placed in the Guantanamo detention center for an undetermined period of time for revealing a state secret. (Grady Lacy)

Tonight, down in Washington, DC, Congress is working around the clock to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, "Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in." (David Letterman)

That's right, Congress is working all night. At least Senator Vitter's wife will know where he is. (David Letterman)

MICHAEL VICK

Michael Vick was indicted Tuesday on charges of running a dog fighting operation including gruesome allegations of executing poor-performing animals by hanging and electrocution. Some people say his football career might be over, others say his friendship with Dick Cheney might have just started. (Pedro Bartes)

It is impossible to measure the damage Michael Vick has caused himself in the American public’s eye. Vick could have been caught wearing a diaper so he could drive all night and smoke crack to have sex with a mentally challenged transvestite and he could have recovered. (Alex Kaseberg)

Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick has been indicted for being an alleged ringleader in a massive dog fighting operation. This is a devastating development for millions of Americans as it comes just days before the fantasy football draft. (Jake Novak)

Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has been charged with breeding pit bulls and executing those that failed to pass muster by gunshot, strangulation or electrocution. On a brighter note, Bob Barker's season box at Atlanta Stadium is up for sale----cheap. (Bob Mills)

The indictment against Vick includes charges he executed poor-performing dogs in vicious ways, something most Falcon fans have wanted to do to Vick ever since they missed the 2005 playoffs. (Jake Novak)

Michael Vick's federal indictment on dog fighting charges will surely cost him millions of dollars in product endorsements. But he did just win the job to plug a new line of imported poison Chinese dog food. (Jake Novak)

DAVID VIDOR

Louisiana Senator David Vitter returned to work today, fighting for his political life after his phone number turned up in the records of alleged DC madam Jane Pauley. Vitter's asked for forgiveness from God and his wife. But, of course, the Democrats have no respect for God or wives. So they made a political issue out if it. (Stephen Colbert)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" (Jay Leno)

Here's just the creepiest part of the story: there are now reports that the senator paid prostitutes to dress him up in a diaper. He's not denying these allegations. He did poo-poo them though. (Jay Leno)

Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old saying, "The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't." (Jon Stewart)

At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters -- the working men and the working girls of Louisiana. (Jay Leno)

He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech. (Jay Leno)

U. S. Senator David Vitter held a press conference in New Orleans Monday to admit he was a client of the Washington D. C. madam. He was very defensive. Every time the reporters asked him about money for Katrina, he said he wouldn't give in to blackmail. (Argus Hamilton)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his constituency for using an escort service. He claimed that he did it for the people of New Orleans, and that he was wearing diapers to research on how to prevent leaks in the levees. (Pedro Bartes)

Sen. Vitter's wife promised she'd do a Lorena Bobbitt.... Is EVERY Republican a liar, including their spouses?

Sen Vitter then flew back to Washington in a diaper to continue the hard work of punishing gay people because they want to be married.

GOP Senator David "Family Values" Vitter apologized after admitting that he frequented hookers. Shocking, isn't it? A Republican getting laid by an adult heterosexual, I mean. (Bob Mills)

A lot of conservatives on radio and TV are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do -- have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV? (Jay Leno)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people. (Jay Leno)

Vitter's wife was by his side when he made the announcement. She called the senator her "best friend." Unfortunately, his best friend is someone named Thumper. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment, because his communications director quit. (Jay Leno)

According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is "none of the above." At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind "Good Lord, not him." (Conan O'Brien)

Former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He said he dropped out because "I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee." (Conan O'Brien)

The wives of some of the Presidential candidates are having a more important role in their husband's campaigns. Apparently political strategists realized that a fight between Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich over oil is not as interesting as oil wrestling match between Thompson's gorgeous blonde wife, Jeri Thompson, and Kucinich's hot wife. (Pedro Bartes)

So, despite great name recognition, and good initial funding, John McCain's presidential campaign is fading fast. Who knew that his "Straight Talk Express" would go the way of Amtrak? (Janice Hough)

The latest New York Times/CBS News poll shows that most Americans think Hillary Clinton is a good role model for women, especially women who can't tell the truth. (Jake Novak)

CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The most important question, though, is who does Oprah support? It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer's frozen fruit bars as one of Oprah's favorite things. I guess their names are so similar, she got confused and thought she was supporting herself for president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain has a new campaign slogan, "An Army Of One." I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store. (Jay Leno)

John McCain isn't the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party's diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice. (Stephen Colbert)

Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He's fine now. He was released from the Cleveland Children's Hospital yesterday. He's now back home, resting comfortably in a hollow tree. I guess he ate out of the wrong bird feeder (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The president's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The New York City Fire Department rushed to the site of a massive steam pipe explosion in lower Manhattan. With them was George Bush who rolled up his sleeves, donned a fireman's hat and declared, "major combat with the steam was over" and that the US had prevailed. While he spoke, a "Mission Accomplished" banner was being unfurled across the entrance to the Chrysler Building. (Bob Mills)

President Bush on Wednesday reiterated his threat to veto Senate legislation that would substantially increase funds for children's health insurance by levying a 61-cent-a-pack increase in cigarette taxes. Republicans don't worry about protecting children from cigarette smoking because Republicans don't have children. Most Republicans weren't even children themselves. They were born grown up. Unlike Democrats, who will always be children. (Joe Hickman)

Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby's sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a "fair and balanced" decision]. He's literally just using Fox News' slogan now. Here's the thing about the phrase "fair and balanced" -- the president means it just as much as Fox does. (Jon Stewart)

THE DEMOCRATS

Did you hear what happened in Iowa the other day? Two women see Bill Clinton at a parade and they thought he was Bob Barker from "The Price is Right." They're going, "Bob. Bob." You can understand why. When Clinton saw the girls, he was saying, "Come on down." (Jay Leno)

Senator Ted Kennedy reported to jury duty this week, but they refused to take him. The judge said Kennedy's huge head would block the view of the other 11 jurors. (Jay Leno)

Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. His youngest daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Very happy for them, although Al couldn't enjoy the reception. He was so obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting (Jay Leno)

Al Gore's lovely daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Critics are now bashing Al Gore for serving Chilean sea bass at his daughter's wedding, because it is an endangered species. In his defense, whenever Al Gore picks up a knife and fork, any species is endangered. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected. (Jay Leno)

The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

The U. S. Senate debated the Iraq war Tuesday in an all-night session. It's not clear if the senators were trying to stand up to President Bush or just prove to their wives that they weren't using an escort service. (Jake Novak)

Last night, the Senate held an all-night session, and Senator Hillary Clinton gave a speech at four in the morning. Apparently, it was the first time Hillary gave a speech at four in the morning that didn't start with, "Where the hell have you been?" (Conan O'Brien)

The U.S. Senate held an all-night session last night, trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in. (Jay Leno)

Despite an all-night session, Senate Democrats failed to overcome a GOP filibuster on Iraq. Of course, trying all night without enjoying any success is something Majority Leader Harry Reid and his wife are very familiar with. (Jake Novak)

After the all-night session at the senate, the only thing left were the cots and Senator John McCain going through every empty box of pizza to see if there were some leftovers to feed his staffers (Pedro Bartes)

The Senate postponed voting on a bill that would put tobacco under FDA jurisdiction. One of the senators accidentally sat on the tobacco executive in his back pocket and the putrid smell quickly cleared the room.

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court has ruled that medicinal marijuana use is illegal. That ought to teach those people to come down with cancer! (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

Louisiana has become the last state to ban cockfighting. Well, there goes Michael Vick's plan to move there. (Bob Mills)

Wisconsin is the first state to consider a law regarding custody of pets in a divorce. Couples may have to start signing "pre-pup" agreements when they get married. It could result in the first "kitty litter support" payments. (Jim Barach)

Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison said he erred when he compared 9/11 to the Reichtag fire in Nazi Germany. He's right. Hitler ordered the latter and Bush hasn't got the brains to have masterminded the former. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is investigating complaints that Paris Hilton got special treatment while in jail. During a press conference Hilton said that it wasn't her fault she received several cavity searches. (Pedro Bartes)

New York cabs will sprout fins to promote the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week." Much like they flashed red lights during "Hooker Week." (Bob Mills)

Midtown Manhattan cleans up from a steam explosion. It’s altered traffic in the area. Cab drivers are now restricted to just one middle finger. (Alan Ray)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

In Washington, D.C., a gun-wielding thief broke into a dinner party. After he was served wine, he put the gun away, gave everyone a hug and left without incident. Needless to say, the wine was French. (Alex Kaseberg)

The National Rifle Association successfully defeated a bill that would have granted cities access to federal gun-owner data. Whew, let this one slip by and pretty soon you've got mental defectives with nothing to hunt with. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

The US has raised the reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden to $50 million. Even more enticing, Howie Mandel has agreed to inflate a condom on his head before handing over the dough. (Bob Mills)

A top government intelligence report says that al Qaeda is desperately trying to sneak into the United States. But it's not clear if they want to attack us, or just get some of those good dishwashing jobs at Denny's. (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden has released another new video. See, that shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as 'Harry Potter.' On this latest tape, bin Laden says, "a happy man is one who dies for his religion." Do you ever notice the one who is giving the advice is never the one blowing himself up? (Jay Leno)


IRAQ

A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life (Jay Leno)

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki boldly announced today that American soldiers "can leave Iraq anytime they like," as long as they take him with them. (Jake Novak)


ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause." (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush is demanding that the Palestinian government arrest terrorists. The only problem is that all of the terrorists are in the Palestinian government. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY

The dollar dropped to an all time low last week. The dollar is so low that Illegals are bribing border patrol officers with pesos now. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE

Researchers at U. C. Davis are training sheep to weed vineyards without eating the grapes. Apparently the sheep are willing to take on jobs that illegal immigrants won't do. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

So-called "TB Traveller" Andrew Speaker underwent surgery for his tuberculosis in Atlanta today. Speaker wanted to get the surgery done before Michael Moore tried to take him to Cuba. (Jake Novak)

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75% of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think we can do it by 2010. USA! USA! (Conan O'Brien)




RELIGION

Pope Benedict XVI will travel to New York to address the UN. Mayor Bloomberg has already ordered extra security around all the city's boy's clubs. (Bob Mills)

LA's Cardinal Roger "Stonewall" Mahoney said of the $660 million last-minute priest pedophile settlement: "My own testifying would not have been a problem." Then he licked himself to make sure he hadn't turned into a pillar of salt. That's rare, isn't it? A pedophile enabler licking himself. (Bob Mills)

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a $660 million settlement agreement with more than 500 sexual abuse plaintiffs. The Church plans to pay for the settlement by hiring super-cheap illegal immigrant priests from now on. (Jake Novak)

The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are -- Scooter Libby? (Jay Leno)

EDUCATION

A study shows that fewer and fewer kids are walking to school. That makes sense since fewer and fewer kids are going to school these days. Kids don't feel a need to walk to school to get exercise. Apparently they feel having sex with their teacher is enough to keep them in shape. (Jim Barach)



POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low. Only 14% of people approve of Congress. 14%! And that's just the hookers that work for the DC madam. (Jay Leno)

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