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Saturday, June 2, 2007

Sex, surgery and Indians

Disclaimer: To read this article, you have to be at least 18. Months, I mean. If you are less than 18 months, please do what every good infant does these days (right-click, check Properties, adjust Parental Controls, etc., etc.), exit, suck your thumb, and go to sleep.

What do you know, now they say that for pornographers, internet is now a curse.
Really, how come, if you know what I mean? It turns out that everyone has now bought into the free trial thing so much that buying porn has become as redundant as, um, a flaccid penis. "The barrier to get into the industry is so low: You need a video camera and a couple of people who will have sex," a producer says. So what, I say, even my surgeries need just that! Not a couple of people who will have sex, but surgery. You know where I am getting at?
"Inexpensive digital technology has paved the way for aspiring amateur pornographers, who are flooding the market, while everyone in the industry is giving away more material to lure paying customers" says a producer. You mean, like surgeons giving away free CDs of their operations to their prospective patients? How impressive!

"And unlike consumers looking for music and other media, viewers of pornography do not seem to mind giving up brand-name producers and performers for anonymous ones, or a well-lighted movie set for a ratty couch at an amateur videographer's house." Tell me about it, most of my patients go to low cost nursing homes rather than sell their houses to get operated by me, you know!

"The more traditional pornographic film companies are not giving up, of course. They say they have an answer to the new competition: quality.

They are seeking to differentiate themselves from makers of inexpensive films by selling with fancier packaging in stores or through slicker Web sites, and by using better cameras and more experienced directors and performers. They are banking that viewers will be discerning when it comes to sex.

"We use good-quality lighting and very good sound," said David Joseph, president of Red Light District, a production company in Los Angeles."
Arrey, that is exactly what I tell all my patients!

Joseph said his company did not waste its time, or that of the viewers, on unnecessary plot lines.

"There's not a whole lot of story - it's basically right to the sex, but we're consistent with the quality," he said, noting that the company is also careful to pick interesting backdrops. "We use different locations, rooms and couches." Sounds more and more like surgery, now, if you add different positions, which these guys surely do.
So, what are the porn companies doing to offset their higher cost status? "But Logan said he could improve his packaging for retail shelves. He has begun adding a sleeve around his box covers that includes a foil logo and metallic sheen to bring out the images." In other words, they are putting band-aid equivalents on the DVDs, just like modern-day surgeons.
So, the West is now in the clutches of free porn. Like us. We Indians have been seeing free porn in all our Bollywood movies since I was old enough to wear knickers. Only that the free display of sex was always between butterflies and the odd birds. Now that doesn't sound quite straight. 'Odd' birds having sex would be like three or five of them. What is this, a circus?
Indians have realised, after having taught the world how to do it really well, that the most that can be allowed to be seen in public is rape. Never straight sex. Not even kissing. Rape is fine to display. Kissing is 'harmful to our cultural traditions', as Richard Gere found out recently.
As a surgeon, I am getting ready for the day when I will be forced to manually examine female patients through a small window in a huge sheet spread and held over the patient, while the guardians of morality stand in wait. So now I just place my hand over the clothes, close my eyes, and.....order a CAT(Casually Attended To) scan!

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